6 Things You Can Do Today Instead of Celebrating Christopher Columbus

You know, and I know, that Christopher Columbus was a genocidal rapist who brought misery to the “new world” he “discovered.” (As The Oatmeal puts it….”Columbus ‘discovered’ the new world like the meteorite ‘discovered’ the dinosaurs.) So I trust you won’t spend any part of your Monday celebrating him or the way he killed half the population of Haiti through disease and warfare. Consider these alternative ways to spend your precious time.

  1. celebrate Indigenous People’s Day
  2. get a load of what ol’ CC thought the world looked like: “I have found such great irregularities that I have come to the following conclusions concerning the world: that it is not round as they describe it, but the shape of a pear, which is round everywhere except at the stalk, where it juts out a long way; or that it is like a round ball, on part of which is something like a woman’s nipple.” (Four Voyages, Google Books). Just stop, CC.
  3. Cook yourself a lovely meal and relish the thought of Columbus complaining about eating moldy hardtack—ON A TRIP NO ONE ASKED HIM TO TAKE. Better yet, make it Indian or Chinese food, full of the spices that Columbus mistakenly thought he’d be rolling in.
  4. Call your mom (seriously, how long has it been?)
  5. Read up on your history.
  6. Go ahead, enjoy that mattress sale as long as you’re not enjoying it in the name of Columbus Day. Joke’s on them, anyway.

More ideas? Leave us a comment. 

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